Today I interrupt our advent schedule to talk about happiness.
I ponder the question of happiness quite often. I think it’s because I feel like I am almost there, being happy I mean, but not quite. So I ask myself what can I do to change things so I will be happy.
I have seesawed my decision on working versus staying home so many times it isn’t funny. Although the whole time I have been working. I feel like this is a source of unhappiness. Working doesn’t make me unhappy. In fact when the week is going good, the sitter is lined up, the kids are healthy, we are somewhat sleeping through the night, I enjoy working. But that only seems to happen 25% of the time. The rest of the time I am juggling sick kids, no sleep, doctors appointments, school functions, sitter’s own schedule, and it doesn’t make me very productive at work. In all fairness my boss hasn’t actually put any pressure on me. It’s all self inflicted that I am not working fast enough, being productive enough, getting in enough hours. But it’s stress for me nonetheless.
The alternative would be to not work and then not have a sitter for the kids. I think this would drive me crazy.
According to Einstein the definition of insanity is to keep doing the same thing and expect a different outcome. That is definitely me.
We include Bella in everything. Even if she doesn’t like it. I struggle with the decision to leave her behind for an activity because I think it would be mean. Yet at the same time I ask myself if our family was meant to miss out on things because of Bella. I don’t think that is the answer either. So at some point we have to walk the fine line of including her in some things and getting her care at home for other things so we can get out and enjoy things that she wouldn’t enjoy anyways.
Just last month, the grandparents were in town and we had been invited to a one year old’s birthday party. We debated about going, who to take, etc. In the end we decided to leave Bella home with the grandparents' and take Oliver with us.
In a way it was freeing. To see the world as other people must see the world when they take their kids to activities. Not having to worry about packing Bella a separate special meal, not having to make room for her wheelchair and then a place for her to lay down when she is tired of sitting. Not to have people staring at you and feeling sorry for you. To get to actually enjoy activities because your child can participate in them.
Today I think the bus driver actually felt sorry for me as I put Bella on the bus. The bus gets here, they lower down the ramp, I put Bella on the lift and the bus drivers are always nice and talk to Bella. As they pull Bella off the lift and onto the bus itself I always say goodbye to Bella and wave and tell her to have a good day at school. Bella never reacts. She hardly even ever looks at me. The bus driver always says “Tell Mommy goodbye”. And today after she said that, and Bella was off in her own world, the bus driver looked at me with eyes that said…I’m sorry she can’t even look at you. I smiled and told the bus driver to have a nice day and then I turned around and went back into the house as my heart had a little pull of sadness and I wondered where life with Bella is going to lead me to?
Of course as I headed back into the house there was a little boy eating his graham cracker and watching out the window (it was cold this morning and he had just gotten up so I didn’t have time to get him dressed). And when I opened up the door he was already at the front door wanting to be held and then waving to the bus and saying “bye bye” as Bella and the bus pulled away.
In the end I don’t really have any answers to my questions of happiness. I don’t want to give the impression that I am extremely unhappy, because that’s not true. I just know that I need to change things up because this hamster wheel that I’m walking on isn’t going to get me to my destination.
