Its the first post from dad (jesse) on this site. In the past I've tried to stay away and let Kristen do her postings, but I feel like I've had enough and need to vent. You may wonder why I chose that title, and I hope by the time you finish reading this post you'll understand. It's hard enough being a parent to a 3 year old child that can't hold their head up, can't sit up on their own, can't crawl, can't walk, can't feed themselves, can't give themselves a drink, and most importantly can't communicate. If we could just choose one of them, I think both Kristen and I feel communication is the most important.
As I sit here this morning at 545 before I go into work, I have reached the breaking point. If you have read any of Kristen's previous posts about Bella being sick, that's the main reason why I'm writing this. The one Positive that Kristen and I have held onto all along was that Bella has been a relatively healthy baby, and now toddler. But over the past 5 weeks now... I've lost count and quite honestly don't give a damn anymore... Bella has been waking up 2-5 times each night coughing. As of yesterday, the doctor cleared Bella of being sick with anything. So what does that mean, well it means there is no end in sight. For whatever reason Bella decides that she needs to cough (we think its teething related and all of the excess spit) but since she cant communicate, we get to spend the remainder of our lives guessing. So we just have to deal with it now as there are no meds that we can give her to curb this. We had tried giving her some breathing treatments, but that clearly isn't working either, since its really not a virus infecting her lungs. So will this continue for as long as Bella teethes? Hopefully not since she still has over half a mouth to go.
So I'm just pissed... and since I don't have anyone to be pissed at, I get to be pissed at God. Not because he put Bella in our hands to take care of her (which definitely hasn't been easy)... but pissed because he is constantly testing all of us and it seems to me like he's pushing the limits. What I try to understand is why he makes Bella suffer. All she needs and wants is a full nights sleep or nap for that matter, but it's constantly interrupted by coughing spells. We won't get into the lack of sleep Kristen and I have, having to work, and having to take care of Bella (full time job, and then some)... I've given up on that.
Some of you may say that God is not testing us or causing this to happen... to that I say B.S... Put yourself in our shoes for just one F'n day, and I'll let you make your own decision. We (Kristen) takes Bella to her yearly check ups / clinics and there is never anything new to report on her progress... talk about a Debbie Downer. The grandparents are always positive about Bella (mainly cause I think they try to keep our spirits up)... but it's becoming harder and harder to believe them. We saw a pediatric specialist when Bella was young, and I asked him to be honest with us and tell us the worst thing to expect. He told us that if Bella didn't walk or talk by the age of two, then she never would. I thought that was kind of harsh, but nonetheless, he gave me his honest opinion for which I asked... and unfortunately I'm starting to believe him. What I try not to think about too much is what Bella will be like in another couple years, when she's bigger and even harder to manage, but with all of the same issues listed above.
What the F did we do? Was I really that bad of a person all of my life to deserve this? I feel bad for being so mad right now, as I know others have it hard to and there are plenty of things to be thankful for... but for once, I would like something Bella related to go our way... some sign of progress, some sign of hope... cause mine is all used up and God hasn't really answered my prayers. And you may say that God works in mysterious ways and you don't always see the answers right in front of you.... that couldn't be more right on, cause I haven't seen S#%$.
I could ramble on, but I best get to work... Sorry God for throwing you under the bus, but I'm not very happy with you right now.
Jesse
I check your blog every day and and amazed by the two of you. The honesty, the love, the frustrations, the amount of work, the crappy stuff, the little tiny itty bitty victories. I don't know how you do it and can't blame you for the anger.
ReplyDeleteNothing really to contribute here other than thanks for sharing your story. I hope you keep sharing. You have no idea whose lives you are touching.