I’m not perfect

Of course everyone knows that.  Last night Jesse and I had a conversation and he thinks at times I like to use this blog to vent about him.  I explained that while it probably looks like that, I only bring up things I know that people can relate too, meaning most guys do the same thing he does.  But yes I am taking it on a public level, and I understand he doesn’t appreciate it, or get a choice in what I say.

So in fairness:

I hate to clean.  My house is a mess.  I would love to have someone come and clean my house, but I don’t want to pay for it.  Do you know any free cleaning people?  I tell myself I will do it.  I come up with lists and plans.  I never follow through.  I don’t even get through the first item or first day of my plans.  I am terrible.  I tell myself I don’t have time, but that is just making excuses.  Laundry I do, cleaning the kitchen I do.  When it comes to vacuuming, and dusting, cleaning the bathrooms, or even picking up the kids toys I am just plain lazy (i.e. it has to look disgusting in the bathroom before I will actually clean it).  As a kid I was told if I didn’t clean up my room I would have to share a room with my sister who was almost 6 years younger…guess what, I shared a room with my sister.  During college I interned here in Kansas City and had an apartment to myself.  That whole summer I never vacuumed, not once.  When my parents came to pick me up and move out my stuff I attempted to vacuum and broke it (it was a tiny apartment vacuum and it couldn’t handle the 3 months worth of stuff).  Thank God for Jesse or you probably wouldn’t want to step foot in my house!  Okay, we do clean for guests so you don’t have to be that worried about coming over……but if you stop by unannounced the house will be a mess.Here is a picture of a rare time I am actually vacuuming the stairs.  I didn’t post it before because I look plain awful, but Oliver is enjoying helping me!

I like to cook.  I get around to it sometimes.  Most days I just don’t do it.  I really would like to give my kids more nutritious foods that I would make.  But honestly this one, I don’t know where to fit in.  Most times it would have to be after the kids go to bed I would prepare meals for the next day.  Or I could do the plans where you prepare the meals for the week on Sunday.  But that just hasn’t happened yet.  So unfortunately they get a lot of processed meats in the form of lunch meat or turkey hot dogs.  They even get out of the can ravioli, or lean pockets, and a lot of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.  Whatever is quick and easy.  I’m not proud of this one.

I start lots of things and never finish them.  I don’t know if it is because I get bored quickly, or if I can’t get back to it and then the newness has worn off and I just don’t make time for it.  I can’t believe how long it takes to get simple things done.  I have been wanting to make some things for Bella for ages.  Things that would solve some of her problems, be it diaper covers, clothes, safety things, or pillows specifically for her.  Some of these things I have bought the supplies, but I have not actually put any of it together.  And sadly I don’t know when I will get to it.  So every time I have to change a pee soaked sheet I get mad at myself because I haven’t taken the time to make the diaper cover.  Yet it doesn’t get done.

I don’t think I am a great mom.  Now, I  don’t think I am a bad mom.  It’s just that hanging out and playing with the kids 24/7 is not my thing.  As a preschool/grade school teacher, I would be horrible.  I bring this up because as I have mentioned before I am stumped with Bella.  I am the type that wants my kids to go have fun on their own, and I will play with them intermittently.  I know that Bella is bored at home.  She seems to want constant stimulation and someone to play with her.  But I just can’t be that person for her.  Some days I realize I have done so many other things that day, that she has maybe only gotten 1 hour or even only 30 minutes of my time to interact fully with her in playtime.  This means that most of the day she is just laying around by herself, left to hold a toy up in the air or watch her brother play around her.  If I do the math of a typical day at home (because hey that’s something I can do) she is up for 12 hours – 2 hours feeding time – 1 hour direct playtime – 1 hour nap time - 1 hour outside time/or being held while watching tv -1 hour bath/bed routine = 6 hours to lay around on the floor by herself.  This saddens me the most.  For clarifications, laying around by herself doesn’t mean she is a room and no one else is there, is just means that no one is directly playing with her.  We do not leave her all by herself.

I literally could go on forever, but I think I will stop here.  I kept trying to get the lid off the marker, except it didn’t have a lid.  I didn’t do this just once, but multiple times (over periods of hours), proceeding to get marker all over my hands.

A little boy a little girl and a teaser

Oliver hanging out in his new ball pit.  He actually isn’t in the pit very much, but boy does he like playing with the balls (the plastic ones…get your mind out of the gutter).

Bella trying on hats.  She usually is not amused when I make her do something for a picture.  I’m thinking if she was able to run away from the camera, she would.  It’s very hard to get good pictures of Bella, therefore Oliver has many more pictures taken.  This is my attempt to make excuses for the fact you have seen and will continue to see more pictures of Oliver on the blog.

Here is the “teaser”.  The start of our semi-big projects, which are still in the works.  Mainly because I can’t seem to make myself paint once the kids go to bed.

And can’t find the time alone to scrape wallpaper when the kids are awake.

But as you can see, the two rooms being worked on are quite a mess.  Which means I really need to kick it into high gear.  Plus until I get the craft room done, I really can’t effectively sew anything.  You think that would be motivation.  That plus Grandma Sneller will be staying with us for a weekend in August and would probably like a room to stay in.

SAHM

I’m sure you have heard that a stay at home mom has the hardest job.  I don’t know if everyone agrees with this statement, but I definitely do.  It’s definitely never something I thought I would be doing.  I think part of the reason it is hard, is that people don’t think it’s actually a job.  In other words the SAHM is supposed to do everything for everyone because they are not working and should have plenty of time.

For me at this point the two worst “misconceived notions” about staying at home are (and I am completely throwing Jesse under the bus right now):

1.  What did you do today? 

Which means the house looks like a disaster and dinner isn’t made, so I must have laid around all day long watching TV.  Of course in reality I have probably dealt with sick kids all day long or picked up the house a couple times already, got everyone through breakfast and lunch, done a couple loads of laundry, etc, etc.

Let me build up the scenario for #2.  It’s the middle of the night and one of the kids is crying.  I usually am the first one to get up with them and see what is wrong.  I am up with them for whatever amount of time is necessary to figure out what is wrong and try to get them back to bed.  Then if that doesn’t work and they wake up again, I will usually go back and try again (if it hasn’t been that long and I am still awake).  If it gets to be the third time or it has been a couple hours since the first time and I can’t figure out what is wrong.  Well then…it’s not my turn.  And here is where I get….

2.  My sleep is more important than your sleep because I have to go to work.

This one really bothers me, because it pretty much states, what I am doing is not important and basically requires no sleep.  I actually think staying home running after kids, taking care of them, being at their every beck and call, never getting a moment to yourself, is harder than going to a desk job.  I know some situations are not the same.  And yes as stated before I am usually the one to take the first “wake-up” call from the kids, but I don’t think just because I don’t go into a job means that the office persons sleep is more important than the SAHM’s sleep.  It’s important for everyone to get sleep.

And today these items are especially fresh on my mind.  You see it’s currently 6am and I have been up since midnight.  Oliver just wouldn’t go back to sleep tonight after waking up, even though we were in there over 7 times.  Finally at 4 am, after listening to the third fit of hysterics from my husband because he wasn’t able to sleep and didn’t think it was appropriate that Oliver cry himself to sleep.  Even though he was barely crying off an on, still every time he let out a little cry it was keeping Jesse awake.   I decided I would give up on sleep for tonight and held him in the recliner.  He finally dozed off and I kept holding him until 10 till 6, when of course I heard Bella wake up.  Funny how I had to sacrifice my sleep for the night, even though today I actually have to work at my part time job.  No laying around watching tv being a SAHM today (said with extreme sarcasm)!

(In Jesse’s defense so he doesn’t think I am beating him up that badly.  He did go in with Oliver twice tonight.  And he was probably awake from 1:30am till 4am, so he also did not get a good nights sleep.  I was merely making a point about the “whose sleep in more important” being frustrating to me). 

Repeat

I have noticed that a lot of my post titles are repetitive.  Let’s see there is the one that says “tired” or “busy” or “sick”.  I guess that pretty much sums up my life.  I’m always tired, feel like I have a million things to do, and also feel like we ride one wave of sickness to another.

And I ask myself, is life really this bad, or do I just make it out to be?

I think it’s hit me hard again, the reality of my life, once I got back from my mini-vacation.  A few days where I could do whatever I wanted for myself.

So what is it exactly that I am circling around.  Bella.  Two things are currently happening that are making me sad for her and for both Jesse and I. 

The first is that Oliver is doing great.  He is a pretty easy child, seems to be doing well developmentally, and is a lot of fun to be around.  I took the kids to an indoor playground the other day and got a kick out of him.  Bella seemed to be enjoying herself, but all she could do was watch all the other kids.  Oliver on the other hand was also intently watching the other kids and then proceeding to run around screaming in joy all around the place.  When I see all that Oliver can do and how much he enjoys things and we enjoy doing things with him, it can make me very depressed about Bella.  I don’t want to take away any experiences from Oliver, but I also don’t want to do things that Bella can’t do.  So that creates a scenario that I can never win.

Secondly I am beginning to think that Bella processes A LOT more information that she is able to communicate.  She also seems to be getting very bored at home.  She is also learning to whine for attention, often.  On one hand its good that she is learning to communicate, even though whining has got to be about the worst forms of communication to hear.  The bigger problem is that what Bella constitutes as fun is getting harder to provide.  Pretty much anything Bella thinks is fun requires you to do every activity for her.  And usually it requires you to be holding her in some form.  On Friday we had many dance parties, and Bella loves to be spun.  But you can really only do that for so long.  We also had chases around the house where I had her on the fire truck.  She laughed and laughed.  But again, I can only hold her up and on the truck for so long.  And what depresses me, is that as time goes on she will get bigger, longer, and more awkward.  And I will not be able to do anything with her that she enjoys.  What then?

How do you go on with your life and enjoy the things you want to do, both as an individual and as a family, when that means one person won’t be included?  Is that acceptable?  Does that make you an evil person?

I don’t know if I’m supposed to stay at home, take care of Bella 24/7 and make sure she has the greatest life possible.  If I just gave up on everything else – working, hobbies, etc. would life be less stressful?  Or am I supposed to make sure Bella has the appropriate care she needs and go on with living my life and doing activities that I enjoy, will that bring me more fulfillment?  I’m still striving for somewhere in the middle.  But as most people know finding a balance is almost impossible.  And in actuality finding “appropriate care” for Bella is impossible.  So in the meantime it leaves me tired, very busy and sometimes sick of it all.

You would not, could not, should not miss, a birthday party such as this!

It was a Dr. Seuss Birthday Party for Oliver.

For Dessert we had Cat in the Hat cupcakes, Oh the Places You’ll Go swirled sugar cookies, and One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish jello fish bowls.

For Dinner we had Mr. Brown Can Moo BBQ sandwiches, There’s a Wocket in my Pocket pocket appetizers, Hop on Pop popcorn & chips, ABC V is for Veggie Salad, Green Eggs and Ham green deviled egg potato salad, and Go Do Go red dog green dog blue dog yellow dog fruit bites.

All Done!

Oliver at 12 months

Height = 32” (98%)

Weight = 21lbs 5oz (50%)

This little boy went from being happy all the time to being more opinionated, emotional, and frustrated about the time he could walk.  Which was right before he turned one.  He still cracks us up every day.  He loves to dance and run around the house screaming with excitement.  He is also a boy in every way imaginable.  Loves to bang things, throw things, and usually gets so excited he hits you in the face.  Might need to work on curbing some of his behavior!

We get a sheet at the pediatrician's office which tells you what to expect for your child’s development.  This one made me laugh when it got to the behavioral part.

1.  Displays some negative behavior (yep already mentioned that above).

2.  Babies at this age try to assert their independence.  They may insist on feeding themselves and forcefully reject your efforts to help.  (yep been wanting to only feed himself finger foods for months now).

3.  They may shout for attention and scream in anger and frustration (yep no denying that).

4.  Don’t expect too much – too many rules are confusing.  Keep rules few and simple, and be consistent and prompt with discipline.  Overlook small things that don’t really matter, and spend most of your effort rewarding good behavior (I’m a total first timer here, Bella hasn’t done anything behavioral, so this one is all new, and I see this child will be testing all his boundaries).

He only let me take one picture of him sitting in his chair then he was down to play with books.

That old saying

You know the one that goes….I need a vacation from my vacation.  I.AM.EXHAUSTED.  I just got back from a girls weekend in Vegas.  Vegas has really changed in the last few years.  At 32 years old (yes I just admitted my age), I am too old for Vegas.

It’s all about partying, drinking, clubbing, and spending lots of money.  I told myself I would at least get as much sleep on vacation as I do at home.  I’m not sure I really even accomplished that.  Now it’s not to say I didn’t have fun.  I did have fun.  I just miss my vacations at the beach where I sit by the water have a few drinks, read, and catch a nap.  I have not had one of those vacations for years, and I’m thinking I desperately need one of them.

So in the last few weeks we were busy getting ready for Oliver’s first birthday.  Then during the week of July 4th we were busy working on the house.  Then the next week we were busy with work and I was getting ready to be on vacation.  And most of those times I was not on the computer, which meant I have not been blogging in ages.  So I am going to need a few more days to get out of my exhaustion “funk” and also get busy at work and spending time with the kiddos.  Then you, the blogging world, and I have a lot of catching up to do.

Frustrated

Do any of you deal with insurance?  We deal with insurance a lot.  But luckily most of the time things get covered without much hassle.  Of course when things don’t go right, insurance its such a huge pain to deal with.  No one wants to take responsibility between the medical provider and the insurance, so we end up playing go between, even if the issue has nothing to do with us.

Today it just so happens I was going to talk about the joy of paying bills around here.  How long it takes me to go through the medical bills and make sure everything got covered and paid correctly.  I even took a photo of my desk all set up to start this daunting task.

How nice and neat it currently looks.  Soon it will have a million piles it.

Then the very first letter I open up is from our insurance addressed to Bella.  In it is claims “On 7-2-12 we reviewed your request to cover the proposed service for you and based on the information submitted and your health benefit plan, we determined that the health care services are not covered.”

And what wasn’t covered.  Well it was a new special needs car seat that goes up to 100 pounds.  We didn’t absolutely need the car seat right now, Bella hasn’t quite exceeded the weight on her current car seat.  But we were looking for something that would be able to support her better in the car, because currently she completely slumps over while in the car.  So we have a medical equipment provider who I talked with back in March and he was going to check with insurance and if insurance covered it, order this car seat.  Insurance said they would cover it, the car seat got ordered, two months later in June it got delivered and installed.

Now 4 months after they approved the car seat they are not going to pay for it.  Now that we will either have to contest the decision or somehow return a used car seat to a medical company.  I don’t see this being easy either way we go.  Such fun.

I will say it’s nice that we don’t have to worry about life and death issues.  We don’t have to fight about life saving treatments, etc.  That is a fight I would not want to have to worry about.  So in a way we are lucky.  It just seems like there could be a more efficient way to handle all of this.

Still Busy

We had three medium sized projects we were working on this past week.  I say medium, but you could actually say they were quite large projects.  Large in that each one of them would probably take a week’s worth of time.  We were only supposed to be working on two of the projects.  I started the third thinking I was going to have all this extra time to get it done.  I actually though I would work on it once the kids went to bed at night.  Well after a good dose of reality, that being that I never feel like working on anything once the kids go to sleep, and that during the day all my time is pretty much used by actually watching the kids, we have three projects that have a long way to go.

Project 1:  Tree house

Jesse demolished the upper level of the tree house.  Now we still have to build a roof, windows, and doors for the tree house itself, reinforce the tree house support which is sagging a little too much for our comfort, and enclose the support structure so it essentially becomes a shed.  Definitely more left “to do” than “got done”.

Project 2:  Craft room/Guest room

I got 1/3 of the wallpaper stripped in this room.  So that means I still have to strip the rest of the wallpaper, Jesse has to mud the walls that used to have wallpaper.  Then we need to prime and paint the walls, paint all the trim, and doors in the room.  Change out the electrical boxes, change out the door hardware.  Install my work counters and countertop.  Make curtains a new head board and recover a desk chair.  Umm, probably not even worth mentioning that we started this project because we have so much left to do on it.  This actually needs to become the priority because I won’t be doing any sewing projects and there won’t be a place for anyone to stay with us until this is completed.

Project 3:  Family room

This was the bonus project that I started.  This is also the project that got the most attention.  Something about it being easier to work on (i.e. not out in the 105 degree heat and not right next to the rooms of sleeping children).  I have some progress pictures on this one, but I think it would be best to wait until we have it closer to finished.  In other words, it’s looking a little cuckoo right now with the color scheme.

So you just got to read about all the things we didn’t get done, and then you don’t even get to see the pictures of what we did get done.  How about some bonus pictures of Bella and Oliver.

Impossible to get them to stay still for a photo!!

Catching Up

We have been busy busy busy around here.  We had Oliver’s first birthday this past weekend, I will have pictures soon (my sister took most of them and I’m anxiously awaiting her sending them to me).  We only took a few with our own camera that day.

Oliver finally got his own cell phone.  He carries it around with him everywhere.  I wonder where he has seen that!

The beginning of this week Jesse and I have been busy working on the house.  I have been inside stripping wallpaper and painting.  Jesse has been outside doing demolition.

Now I best get back to painting a.s.a.p.  Should have lots to post about after this week of working like crazy around here.