Repeat

I have noticed that a lot of my post titles are repetitive.  Let’s see there is the one that says “tired” or “busy” or “sick”.  I guess that pretty much sums up my life.  I’m always tired, feel like I have a million things to do, and also feel like we ride one wave of sickness to another.

And I ask myself, is life really this bad, or do I just make it out to be?

I think it’s hit me hard again, the reality of my life, once I got back from my mini-vacation.  A few days where I could do whatever I wanted for myself.

So what is it exactly that I am circling around.  Bella.  Two things are currently happening that are making me sad for her and for both Jesse and I. 

The first is that Oliver is doing great.  He is a pretty easy child, seems to be doing well developmentally, and is a lot of fun to be around.  I took the kids to an indoor playground the other day and got a kick out of him.  Bella seemed to be enjoying herself, but all she could do was watch all the other kids.  Oliver on the other hand was also intently watching the other kids and then proceeding to run around screaming in joy all around the place.  When I see all that Oliver can do and how much he enjoys things and we enjoy doing things with him, it can make me very depressed about Bella.  I don’t want to take away any experiences from Oliver, but I also don’t want to do things that Bella can’t do.  So that creates a scenario that I can never win.

Secondly I am beginning to think that Bella processes A LOT more information that she is able to communicate.  She also seems to be getting very bored at home.  She is also learning to whine for attention, often.  On one hand its good that she is learning to communicate, even though whining has got to be about the worst forms of communication to hear.  The bigger problem is that what Bella constitutes as fun is getting harder to provide.  Pretty much anything Bella thinks is fun requires you to do every activity for her.  And usually it requires you to be holding her in some form.  On Friday we had many dance parties, and Bella loves to be spun.  But you can really only do that for so long.  We also had chases around the house where I had her on the fire truck.  She laughed and laughed.  But again, I can only hold her up and on the truck for so long.  And what depresses me, is that as time goes on she will get bigger, longer, and more awkward.  And I will not be able to do anything with her that she enjoys.  What then?

How do you go on with your life and enjoy the things you want to do, both as an individual and as a family, when that means one person won’t be included?  Is that acceptable?  Does that make you an evil person?

I don’t know if I’m supposed to stay at home, take care of Bella 24/7 and make sure she has the greatest life possible.  If I just gave up on everything else – working, hobbies, etc. would life be less stressful?  Or am I supposed to make sure Bella has the appropriate care she needs and go on with living my life and doing activities that I enjoy, will that bring me more fulfillment?  I’m still striving for somewhere in the middle.  But as most people know finding a balance is almost impossible.  And in actuality finding “appropriate care” for Bella is impossible.  So in the meantime it leaves me tired, very busy and sometimes sick of it all.