I’m not perfect

Of course everyone knows that.  Last night Jesse and I had a conversation and he thinks at times I like to use this blog to vent about him.  I explained that while it probably looks like that, I only bring up things I know that people can relate too, meaning most guys do the same thing he does.  But yes I am taking it on a public level, and I understand he doesn’t appreciate it, or get a choice in what I say.

So in fairness:

I hate to clean.  My house is a mess.  I would love to have someone come and clean my house, but I don’t want to pay for it.  Do you know any free cleaning people?  I tell myself I will do it.  I come up with lists and plans.  I never follow through.  I don’t even get through the first item or first day of my plans.  I am terrible.  I tell myself I don’t have time, but that is just making excuses.  Laundry I do, cleaning the kitchen I do.  When it comes to vacuuming, and dusting, cleaning the bathrooms, or even picking up the kids toys I am just plain lazy (i.e. it has to look disgusting in the bathroom before I will actually clean it).  As a kid I was told if I didn’t clean up my room I would have to share a room with my sister who was almost 6 years younger…guess what, I shared a room with my sister.  During college I interned here in Kansas City and had an apartment to myself.  That whole summer I never vacuumed, not once.  When my parents came to pick me up and move out my stuff I attempted to vacuum and broke it (it was a tiny apartment vacuum and it couldn’t handle the 3 months worth of stuff).  Thank God for Jesse or you probably wouldn’t want to step foot in my house!  Okay, we do clean for guests so you don’t have to be that worried about coming over……but if you stop by unannounced the house will be a mess.Here is a picture of a rare time I am actually vacuuming the stairs.  I didn’t post it before because I look plain awful, but Oliver is enjoying helping me!

I like to cook.  I get around to it sometimes.  Most days I just don’t do it.  I really would like to give my kids more nutritious foods that I would make.  But honestly this one, I don’t know where to fit in.  Most times it would have to be after the kids go to bed I would prepare meals for the next day.  Or I could do the plans where you prepare the meals for the week on Sunday.  But that just hasn’t happened yet.  So unfortunately they get a lot of processed meats in the form of lunch meat or turkey hot dogs.  They even get out of the can ravioli, or lean pockets, and a lot of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.  Whatever is quick and easy.  I’m not proud of this one.

I start lots of things and never finish them.  I don’t know if it is because I get bored quickly, or if I can’t get back to it and then the newness has worn off and I just don’t make time for it.  I can’t believe how long it takes to get simple things done.  I have been wanting to make some things for Bella for ages.  Things that would solve some of her problems, be it diaper covers, clothes, safety things, or pillows specifically for her.  Some of these things I have bought the supplies, but I have not actually put any of it together.  And sadly I don’t know when I will get to it.  So every time I have to change a pee soaked sheet I get mad at myself because I haven’t taken the time to make the diaper cover.  Yet it doesn’t get done.

I don’t think I am a great mom.  Now, I  don’t think I am a bad mom.  It’s just that hanging out and playing with the kids 24/7 is not my thing.  As a preschool/grade school teacher, I would be horrible.  I bring this up because as I have mentioned before I am stumped with Bella.  I am the type that wants my kids to go have fun on their own, and I will play with them intermittently.  I know that Bella is bored at home.  She seems to want constant stimulation and someone to play with her.  But I just can’t be that person for her.  Some days I realize I have done so many other things that day, that she has maybe only gotten 1 hour or even only 30 minutes of my time to interact fully with her in playtime.  This means that most of the day she is just laying around by herself, left to hold a toy up in the air or watch her brother play around her.  If I do the math of a typical day at home (because hey that’s something I can do) she is up for 12 hours – 2 hours feeding time – 1 hour direct playtime – 1 hour nap time - 1 hour outside time/or being held while watching tv -1 hour bath/bed routine = 6 hours to lay around on the floor by herself.  This saddens me the most.  For clarifications, laying around by herself doesn’t mean she is a room and no one else is there, is just means that no one is directly playing with her.  We do not leave her all by herself.

I literally could go on forever, but I think I will stop here.  I kept trying to get the lid off the marker, except it didn’t have a lid.  I didn’t do this just once, but multiple times (over periods of hours), proceeding to get marker all over my hands.