After being “stuck” with both kids at home for over a week, school being out, Bella being fussy, Oliver being pent up inside with no one to play with, Jesse at work, or out scooping snow, not really wanting or being able to leave the house with all the snow, and of course never getting enough sleep….I just couldn’t take it anymore.
I literally sat on the couch today and cried.
I’m not sure what is wrong with me, but one thing is for sure. I don’t have the mind set of someone who can “entertain” little kids all day long. I don’t know how people run daycares. I guess the only blessing is that those kids have other kids to play with, so it’s a little easier. But around here that isn’t the case. I try to play with Oliver, but my time is also being spent trying to take care of Bella. And today that wasn’t good enough.
Bella continued to fuss, eat s…o….v….e…r….y…s….l…o…w…..l….y, and want to be held. Oliver also wanted attention and anytime I was with Bella he was acting out and in particular climbing onto and into EVERYTHING.
For a good 45 minutes during my feeding Bella lunch, he carried this play table around to every single outlet on the first floor and would turn the lights off and on and off and on, until I would tell him to stop, pull him off, put the toy back in the rec room. And then of course he would just pick it back up and take it to a different light.
What was worse was that when I was finally finished with Bella, I actually tried to play with him. But he had so much energy at that point, that he thought it was fun to hit me and throw his toys at me. The hitting is on purpose, but the throwing toys I don’t think is meant to hurt…except that it does.
And that’s when I couldn’t take it anymore.
I absolutely know he does it because he isn’t getting the attention he wants. But I can’t ignore Bella and give him all the attention. When Bella is at school in the mornings and it’s just me and Oliver, it’s a totally different experience. And when Oliver is at the sitter’s with his friend Max who is the same age as him, he is a wonderful child (so I’m told), and loves to play and run around with the kids.
I decided the answer was that I was never meant to stay at home. I never planned on it, and I don’t really want to. Except of course I can’t work full time. I still haven't been able to find good care for Bella on a long term basis. Not to mention all the school functions, doctors appointments, sick days, etc that happen on an almost weekly basis.
No I can’t go back to work full time. So I’m stuck right where I am in this mess I call my life.
On a brighter side – Jesse and I are going on a vacation, without the kids. A whole week on an island. It will be a much needed break. Now if only I can make it a couple more months before the trip happens.
Hang in there. I'm having one of those days, too. It doesn't help matters that it's too cold to take little children outside. The days can seem really long when you are home all day with young children. It will get better!
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